What is your biggest fear? Personally, mine is spiders and bees. They scare the crap out of me. I would fight a bear in a fist fight in a closed off area before I willingly set foot in the same state as a beehive. Some people have more more rational fears, such as heights or death. Others may have strange fears like clowns or ghosts. Along with our personalities, our fears are unique and can shape how we live our lives. But I bet you that 99 percent of us all share the same fear:
Nonconformity.
Nonco-what? It means lack of, failure or refusal to conform (agree) as with established customs, attitudes or ideas. Being the odd man out.
As a kid, we’re all taught to be a proud individual and to be ourselves, to avoid peer pressure and whatnot. What I realize is that, as adults, those same people who tell us to stand up for ourselves also pressure us to conform to what they or their group believe. If you grew up with a specific religious background, why do you get such hateful messages if you start thinking outside of that religion? You’re taught all through school and by your parents to think for yourself, but when you finally do, you feel the disappointment of others. That’s probably what we fear the most and why peer pressure is dangerously real. People are pressured into doing something stupid like drugs or stunts all the time but not because of their personal interest in the subject. They do it because they don’t want to disappoint their friends.
I feel we may have been shaped this way (at least, this is how I saw my environment): When growing up, our parents catch us doing something we shouldn’t be doing. Instead of being physically punished, they would give us a verbal lashing in four words that would feel like they were pouring acid on your soul: “I’m disappointed in you.” And nothing was worse than hearing that. It gives you a subconscious law that you shouldn’t disappoint someone else.
Here’s a good example: a woman asks a man “does this dress make me fat?” Chances are if you have to ask, it probably does make you look fat. And as simple as men are, we know close to nothing about fashion, and we would immediately be able to tell if your outfit looks good or not because we don’t see colors, style or matching. The only thing a man sees is good or not good. But nine times out of ten a man would never admit that, “Yes, it does make you look fat; please put on something else” but instead say, “Sure, hun, that looks great!” Instead of facing reality, we would rather believe something we made up. Why? Because we’re afraid of disappointing her. And she believes it because she’s afraid of facing the truth in the mirror and places false trust in the approval of someone who shouldn’t give fashion advice.
Another good example is pointed out in the recent film “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.” I’m going to try not to give away any spoilers but just in case, SPOILER ALERT.
Daniel Craig’s character, Mikael, is investigating a murder. He is trespassing at a suspect’s house who he believes to be very dangerous. The suspect arrives home unexpectedly and catches Mikael trying to escape. The suspect invites him in for a drink. Rather than try to get out of dodge, Mikael tries to play it cool like nothing happened, and willingly enters his home. The suspect captures him and right before he begins torturing Mikael he says this:
“Why didn’t you just go home? Why don’t people trust their instincts? You knew something was wrong, but you came back into the house. Did I force you, did I drag you in? No. All I had to do was offer you a drink. It’s hard to believe that fear of offending can be stronger than the fear of pain but you know what? It is. And they always come willingly…” END SPOILERS
If I asked you now if you would go willingly, you would probably say, “Heck no!” But if you were in that character’s situation, chances are you would do the exact same.
We fear disappointment, failure, ridicule and rejection. All of these tie back to the same principle. Our desire for approval often overrides our common sense. I think it’s because we care too much about what others think.
Well, I say that there is power in apathy.
Bet you’d never see that statement on a published college column, would you? But seriously, there is. If we spent less time caring about the feelings of others and more about what’s important to us alone, then life probably wouldn’t seem so complicated at times. Sure, there is a lot to understand, but we only make it harder by conforming (because of fear) to something we don’t always agree with.
Just be honest. If you don’t want to do something, then don’t do it. Nowhere does it say you have to go see this movie with Jimmy or go to the mall with Sally. Or even scarier, you really don’t have to drink with your buddies or go shopping cart racing. If you would rather sit in your room and watch TV, then tell them no. It’s not like you owe them anything… do you? They are probably asking because they fear doing it alone anyway.
Have the courage to stand up for yourself, and have a good day.