Maybe it’s just me, but I want to scream at the top of my lungs whenever someone pulls out their cell phone during a movie. Even though, as a people, our attention spans have dwindled down to that of a toddler shaking a rattle, it still baffles me as to the amount of people who freely showcase their iPhones during a film in which they paid good money to see.
Well, I’ve had it.
I understand that we all can’t be as sensible as The Belcourt, whose employees will ask you to vacate the premises if a cell phone is used during a screening. I also understand that the art of common courtesy in a theater has become a silly myth akin to the Lock Ness Monster, Bigfoot and holding the door for women as they enter a building. I don’t believe in vigilantism, but I’m ready to take a stand. No more will I tolerate the 15 year-old-tweeniebopper who feels as if her conversation of “LOL”s and smiley faces is far more important than the film her parents paid for her to see. No more will I tolerate the moron who would actually check their Twitter feed during the pivotal scene of a highly-anticipated blockbuster. Enough is enough.
I’m going to stare at you.
I’m quite literally going to turn my full body in your direction, widen my eyelids and give you the stare-down you never thought was humanly possible. If I have to get up from my seat and sit directly next to you, then so be it. If you feel uncomfortable, embarrassed or bothered, then I have accomplished my mission. I won’t even give you the satisfaction of a blink. Unfortunately hard times call for hard measures.
Dearest cell phone user, you have left me no choice. Your crude, manner-lacking mannerisms have earned you a spot on my angry list.
Now, I don’t want to seem unreasonable. If you need to send that last minute text during the previews, I’ll tolerate it. But if you dare send a text message during the actual movie, my glaring eyes will have no mercy. Have a little decency for a change, put your phone on vibrate and feel free to leave the theater if there is an emergency.
But don’t text during the movie. I’ll be watching if you do.