I’m one of the not-so-young students here on campus, so I experience some things younger, normal-aged Lipscomb students might not – like losing your life, your meaning, your point of being here.
I’m almost 25, a Lipscomb senior with an Associate of Science, and I’ll be receiving my Bachelor of Arts this fall. I’m what you call ‘extremely indecisive about life.’
After a lot of soul searching, I first decided I wanted to be a doctor. I had my heart set on being a pediatrician. I got through a few random courses at a small community college and then finished my Associates degree at another community college in Franklin.
I came to Lipscomb still intending to pursue my pre-medical coursework. Then my world fell apart.
At 23, my parents decided to divorce after 32 years of marriage.
My father told me about it as we were sitting in the hospital while my mother was having surgery to remove a tumor the doctors thought was cancerous. It wasn’t, thank God.
You would think, being an adult, the divorce wouldn’t hit me as hard as it would a child, but not only did it hit me – it knocked me over, beat me up and threw me back down.
I had no idea how it would change me forever.
The divorce consumed me. The whole process ended up being pretty nasty. I was pushed and pulled on both sides, as my parents started to treat me more like an equal than a daughter. I wasn’t shielded from any information or opinions. I ended up mediating their divorce and settlements just to get the process over. I was the only person they would listen to, and I hated that.
By this time, I could feel myself being dragged down more and more with each new day.
I realized that the pedestal I held my parents up on was shattered. They weren’t the untouchable, perfect union that I always pictured them to be.
Sometimes, as children, I think a lot of us forget that our parents are people too. They make mistakes, they do good things, they do bad things and they act irrationally sometimes. We just have to be there for them and remember we’re not responsible for making them happy. They will figure their problems out if they want to. We, as their children, can’t try and take on their problems.
As a result of all the stress, I became really sick.
I lost 20 pounds and became depressed. I cried every day and broke down at the drop of a hat. I was trying to fix everyone’s problems and be the rock my family needed so desperately.
To add to the turmoil, I was also reeling from the recent death of my grandparents. My grandmother helped raise me; she was the glue that held our family together. Her name was JoAnne, and she was my second mother. Her passing only added to my disbelief that my life had fallen to pieces at my feet. I needed her, and she wasn’t there.
To cap it off, I was in the first semester of my junior year here at Lipscomb. My work was sliding. My teachers were concerned.
I shut everyone out of my life. I gained this hate for my mother. I was so angry with her for things she did and putting me in the position she had. I became my father’s best friend — making sure he had everything he needed, food, clothes, things for the house, etc.
All of that anger robbed me of my soul. I wasn’t myself anymore. I lost all sense of who I was, what I was doing and what was important.
Here we are, a year and a half later, and it’s taken me this long to finally get back to myself. I thought it would never happen, but finally – and inevitably – it did. I’m healthy again. I’ve gained all of my weight back, and I’ve had to take measures to restructure my life and change the way I think to tone down the stress.
I’ve made stands to my parents, telling them what they can and cannot talk to me about. I’ve created boundaries — something I think is important for everyone to have with their parents.
I’ve become more active in ministry and a more active member of my family since my parents’ breakup. My world revolves around the happiness of my myself and the people around me, my beautiful 1-year-old niece and my health. I’m a better aunt, a better sister, a better daughter and a better friend.
Going back to church has really played an instrumental part in me finding deeper levels to my faith. I prayed for strength constantly, and I received it.
I attend Brentwood Baptist Church. Pastor Mike Glenn can touch a nerve like no one else I know. I’ve spent many Sundays walking out of his church teary eyed, not because I was sad, but because of how well he can make a sermon relatable. I encourage everyone to attend Brentwood Baptist – no matter your denomination – just to hear his message. You can also follow him on twitter, @mikeglenn, if you can’t make it to church. He tweets regularly. He’s pretty awesome.
I also took time to read Eat, Pray, Love. It’s probably a favorite of many girls across campus. It’s about a woman rediscovering herself. It really helped me understand the things I needed in life when I had forgotten them completely. I needed friends, new adventures, faith, understanding and love. I think those are all universal things that people need to get from life to really live.
The last thing that finally got me back to my old self was travelling. I spent time in Mexico, staring out at the water from my sandy beach towel. I spent nights having dinner with friends that I hadn’t seen in a while, who were just a plane ride away.
Life is possible if you let it be. You have to accept your past, your present and know that the future will work itself out. Whatever is in God’s plans will happen. You can’t worry about life; you just have to embrace it.
On a side note, during the times I needed my grandmother the most, she wasn’t physically here, but I felt her. I had many moments where I felt her spirit. I could smell her. There’s one moment I’ll never forget. I put my car in park outside of the Ezell building. I sat still and just started to cry. I was in my depression and just sincerely missed my grandmother in that moment. I prayed. A few moments later I was staring out at the road, and the rush of her scent filled the air around me. I completely froze. I kept inhaling and inhaling until a few minutes had passed and the smell was gone. Nothing had changed, no one had driven by –my grandmother was there. I smiled for the first time in weeks. I laughed and cried happy tears. Ask and you shall receive.
Students, if you’re going through anything abnormal, and you feel like you’re alone, I encourage you to go see a counselor here at school. They have information about the following issues (and many more) available in their office – depression, date rape, substance abuse, suicide, eating disorders, home sickness and self mutilation or “cutting.” The Counseling Center offers free services to students and employees. You’re never alone.
I’m throwing out good mojo/vibes/blessings to all of you!